Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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