I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.