Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
