i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
your room smells of hookers.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.