So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
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i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.