Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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