life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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