I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize