you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
