Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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