you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
