if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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