I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
