Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
