I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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