I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
