Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
