You smell like a Billy Joel song
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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