Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
