you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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