the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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