I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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