So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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