I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I want to be your penis for a week.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
