New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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