i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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