apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
