Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
