One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
