I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
