I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
