my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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