you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think I just sharted jello shots
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
