is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Boobs are out for the taking
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
