you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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