Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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