Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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