I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
