I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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