did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
