Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
