drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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