..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
