I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
