"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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