I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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