there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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