My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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