I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
