He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
