Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
