I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize