I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
