Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
